


Cardcaptor Tempura

by OfficialNaoCo



Category: Cardcaptor Sakura
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Alternate Universe - College/University, Bad Decisions, Cardcaptor(s) (Cardcaptor Sakura), Conspiracy, Corporate Espionage, Exile, Flirting, Future Fic, Gen, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Injury, Medical Examination, Meiling is Somehow the Reasonable One, Missing Persons, Narcissism, Nipple Clamps, Office Supplies, Parody, Post-Clear Card, Promiscuity, Psychopathology & Sociopathy, Sakura is Criminally Insane, Talent Shows, Teacher-Student Relationship, Threats of Violence, Tomoyo Puts Up With Everything, Transitioning, delusions of grandeur
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:00:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26796991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OfficialNaoCo/pseuds/OfficialNaoCo
Summary: Cardcaptor Parody AU: Cardcaptor Tempura Dinner-Photo is 18 and going to university, but trouble arises. With her friends Gay-Lin and Swamp Tomoyo, will she solve the mysteries that she faces? Will she find out what the Nao-Cards are? Will Yukito ever be seen again? Why is Miss Miso-Queen back at Tomoeda and why is she working at the newly established University? Tempura and her friends will have to face a number of gruelling, steamy trials to find the answers she is desperately longing for.





	1. Cardchapter 1: A Snazzy Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tempura gets her university timetable, and is visited by an old friend who informs her of a concerning new threat to her dearly held supremacy.

My name is Tempura Dinner-Photo, and I am the master of the Clow Cards. The Clow Cards are a deck of magical elements that let me draw powers from them to use for important events, such as boiling the kettle and degreasing the toilet rim.

I live with my brother Tofu, and my father Fiji-Taco in town of Tomoeda. I once had a mother, Radish-Eco, but she was killed in an unfortunate occurrence involving a nutmeg grater and several ice cubes, so now it's just me and the men.

Tomoeda has developed a lot since I became the master of the Clow Cards, adding a university and vast stretches of swampland to its domain. I am a student at the General Tomoeda University, studying various unspecified subjects; a course which I am passionate about…

"... but don't you miss your adventures as Cardcaptor Tempura?" I hear a voice murmur from my converted draw of undercarriage dressings (it is now a highly stimulating parlour). A small yellow bear with small wings hovered above it. Oh, yeah! I forgot about Keer-OH (No No You Din't). He's the guardian beast of the seal, but he hasn't had to do much work lately, so he mainly patrols my private peach areas.

"Oh, Keer-OH (No No You Din't), you know I'm passionate about various unspecified subjects! In fact, I should be getting my timetable from the university today!" I rebuffed with a sensual yet vulnerable purr.

"Whatever. I'm hungry" he replied.

"Don't worry , I think…"

"...TEMPURA, BREAKFAST IS READY!" Tofu screamed quietly from the area that one would get to if they were to walk (or run) down the stairs.

"OKAAAY" I mewled in response. As I hurtled down the tastefully decorated, bright yellow staircase, I saw Dad and Tofu sitting at the breakfast table. There was a place set out for me, with coffee and a bowl of rice.

"Good morning Tempura", Dad said to me briskly.

"Good morning Dad! Good morning Tofu! Good morning Mom!" I announced to a framed picture of Mom. It was a splendid depiction of her engaged in the activity she loved best; sittin' on her ass, "So what is everyone up to today?"

"I'm going out to look for Yukito" Tofu squawked.

"Oh yeah… I forgot". Two weeks ago, Tomoeda was affected by a devastating swamp landslide. Mysteriously, the landslide only destroyed Yukito's house and he had been missing ever since. Yukito was my brother's romantic interest; I persistently hoped that this together with the landslide wouldn't get in the way of him skewering me with his cock.

"Tempura, you are due to get your university timetable today, is that correct?" Dad asked me.

"Yeah, I'm only signed up for two classes this semester; unspecified learning, and general education".

"They sound tantalising",

"Yeah!" I held my mouth open and kept the same expression on my face for twenty-five seconds so they would know how serious I am about general unspecified subjects. Suddenly, I felt a throbbing pulse set my undercarriage aflame; surely I had remembered to scrape it out this time…?

I then realised that the ripples of pleasure had come from my phone; a bright pink device with a golden sun on the back cover. An email notification flashed on the screen; It was my university timetable!

"Sakura, why are you screaming?", Dad enquired. I ignored this inconvenient query and opened the email.

"DAD! I have you for general education!" I spewed with an elegant yet debauched veneer. A single tear (no doubt of joy) fell down his chiselled cheekbones, and he contorted his face into an expression of delight.

"That's great, Tempura. Who do you have for unspecified learning?" I gazed soulfully at my electronic timetable, and the name that I read sent an earthquake of surprise through my sensuous body. I recognised that name, but I hadn't seen it for a very long time.

"Miss… Miss... " I stumbled, unable to drop this bombshell. Tofu looked up from his copy of the Swamp Swallower (Tomoeda's local newspaper) and fixed his eyes on me.

"Well?" he demanded.

"MISO QUEEN" I calmly belched. Tofu gasped mildly, but tried to cover it up, yet Dad just continued smiling.

"Yes, Miss Miso Queen has recently returned from England. I'm sure you'll enjoy her classes" he said, whilst gathering up the dishes. I couldn't believe their lack of surprise. Miss Miso Queen used to be a teacher at Tomoeda Elementary School, but I had several lurid dreams about her, and it turned out that she knew about the Clow Cards! Why was she back here? Did she know anything about the swamp landslide? I would have to wait until the new semester started to find out.

I began to ascend the bright yellow staircase, when there was a sharp knock at the door; who could it be? My father went to greet our knew guest, but I had a feeling that a climactic revelation would be subsequently unveiled, and therefore the door must be opened by myself. I needed to create a subtle distraction…

"WINDY" I shrieked in a violent yet tranquil way.

A sudden and surprising gust of wind blew a hole through the window.

"What was that?" asked Tofu, as both he and Dad ran to inspect the wreckage. I then took this moment to politely open the door and reveal who lay behind it.

"GAY-LIN, what are you doing here?" The girl who stood in the open doorway seemed surprised by my surprise. I had not seen her since she had left to return to Hong Kong eight years ago. She had left because she realised that Sharon-Linette had (mistaken) feelings for me, the Tempura Dinner-Photo.

"Tempura, it has been such a long time! But, I feel like now is the right time for me to return to Tomoeda" she told me, whilst pulling me into an intrusive embrace. I allowed her to enter our comfortable living room, with walls the colour of fluorescent custard. Did Gay-Lin know anything about the mysterious swamp landslide? I felt like she knew something.

"So, Gay-Lin, why are you here?" I asked her, whilst pushing a plate of expired cookies towards her. She gave me a somewhat reproachful look, and reached inside of her bag.

"Tempura, I've seen these circulating around, and I wondered if you knew anything about them?" She handed me a card that looked sort of like a Clow Card. I turned it over and saw the words 'Nao-Card' on it's back. I had never seen them before in my life, but it sure looked suspicious!

"Nope, never seen them! But don't they look like…?"

"A Clow Card!" Keer-OH said, finishing my sentence as he whirled into the room.

"Ew" Gay-Lin said, in reaction to Keer-OH.

"What is SHE doing here?" He snarled.

"Oh, don't be little bitches" I spat at them with my usual diplomatic grace. "Let's watch some TV!" I flipped on the remote and a tall woman with huge glasses appeared on the screen. She seemed oddly familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on where I had seen her before. Unexpectedly, she began to speak!

"Nao-Co!" she boomed. Suddenly, people were appearing behind her. The background was flashing yellow (almost as bright as our tasteful walls) and red; things were on fire. The crowd behind her was chanting. Milk was leaking. A rainbow appeared, before the camera zoomed in on her face so all you could see were her eyes, nose and mouth in a sea of face. "Nao-Co!" she repeated, before usual programming was resumed. I sat up, my thoughts adrift.

"You guys, I think…" I begun, whilst Gay-Lin and Keer-Oh stared at me confused.

"What, Tempura?" Gay-Lin began.

"I think…"

"What is it?" asked Keer-Oh.

"I think… we should all go out for ice cream!" I declared, finally realising what food I had been craving.

"ALRIGHT" Keer-OH screamed, whilst Gay-Lin sighed and sat back on the rubbery sofa.

Two hours later, Gay-Lin and I were walking out of the ice cream parlour, with Keer-OH stuffed into an empty box of (industrial strength) wart remover gel that I had kept in my bag for safe keeping.

"Tempura, I've been here for a couple of hours now… You might be hoping that I wouldn't notice, but where is Tomoyo? She used to be around all the time. Is she dead?" Gay-Lin asked me. She was right, this was a sensitive topic, with a long backstory.

"Gay-Lin, it's a very long story. You better pace yourself with that ice cream, because I'm about to give you a whole new raspberry swirl" I told her flirtatiously, but in a chaste way.

"...what?"

"Just fucking listen".

"Okay, what happened?"

"I think it all started when all of the Clow Cards were collected. Life became much less eventful, and therefore Tomoyo had less to record on her camera. She tried to keep going by making her own 'home-movies', but they were repulsive and the government had them destroyed as a public health violation after several people complained".

"I can imagine", Gay-Lin choked.

"She wanted to apply to film-school last year, but she didn't have much footage that hadn't been condemned. Most of it was just films of me capturing the Clow Cards, which she couldn't use for obvious reasons. Eventually, she submitted a film that she had made herself. It was called 'Tempura's Treats' and I starred in it. I thought that it was a tasteful Korean drama (even though we're Japanese) and I eagerly volunteered my slender shrimp sticks for the role".

"It sounds interesting".

"When it then came to Tomoyo's private viewing, it turned out that it was just me invited. This was disappointing but not surprising. Tempura's Treats came on and it turned out that she had zoomed in on my crotch for the whole time. To make matters worse, she had designed all of the outfits to be flimsy, meaning that there were many times where my private peach area was on show (she used slow motion on those parts to capture it's unique rippling effect)".

"That's terrible!"

"I know. I wanted to be angry at her, but in the end I just felt sorry for her pitiful condition so I let her submit it to the admissions board. I was also thrilled at the idea of an official board seeing me in such an intimate scenario, however I did not tell her this! Two weeks later, the board rejected her submission and she received further sanctions from the Department of Public Health. Rather than live out this embarrassment, her mom purchased the swamp around Tomoeda and she made it her home, which is where she is now. She exists now as… Swamp Tomoyo! I don't see her very often, except sometimes in the toiletries aisle at Nao-Store".

"I had no idea so much had happened! We might need her help if we are to figure out where these Nao-Cards have come from".

"Why? What the fuck did she ever do?"

"Um… nothing. But she was always central to the plot!"

"That is a very good point. Gay-Lin, we may have to take a visit to the swamp!" I said to her, realising that my adventures as Cardcaptor Tempura may be reigniting!


	2. Cardchapter 2: Into The Swamp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Upon learning of the potential threat of the Nao-Cards, Tempura and Gay-Lin venture into the wilderness surrounding Tomoeda to find Swamp Tomoyo and see if she will help them on their quest to uncover the truth.

The swamps around Tomoeda had grown so much recently; Gay-Lin and I had to be careful that we didn't become lost in the moist undergrowth (aside from my own moist undergrowth, of course!). As we made our way through the perilous marshland on the way to Swamp Tomoyo's house, it was vital that we watched our step due to the ominous swamp juices surrounding us!

"How much further is Tomoyo's house now?" Gay-Lin asked, panting from, what I assumed was, partial exhaustion and partial arousal at my stimulating presence.

"I told you, she's Swamp Tomoyo now!" I rebuffed, perfectly answering her question…

…"You didn't answer my question!" she countered. I sighed; not everyone appreciated how intellectual I was. It wasn't my fault that no one can ever understand what I'm talking about!

"We're almost there Gay-Lin".

"It feels like we've been walking forever!"

"You can tell we're almost there because the chapter opened here. You know that the action is going to start soon!" Conveniently, as I said this, a medium-sized hut began to materialise at the end of the path we were following. It was not unlike the swamp home featured in the classic drama production Shrek, and was teeming with wildlife. In fact, I think there are considerations to designate Swamp Tomoyo herself as a biodiversity hotspot!

"Is that it? At the end of the path!" Gay-Lin asked, growing impatient. I nodded and hurried forward, ushering her to follow. The hut was slightly obscured by a strange sulphurous haze all around that made us cough. What was Swamp Tomoyo doing in there?

As soon as we got to the door, I gave it one quick knock. After waiting for five seconds, I assumed that no one was home. I turned to Gay-Lin.

"Well, it looks like there's only one option left for us" I confirmed.

"Tempura…?" she protested, but it was too late. My nimble and buttery fingers had pressed their oil pads into a particular Clow Card to allow me to solve this problem with grace and integrity.

"WOOD" I belched discretely, and as soon as I had ejected this from my body, a branch from one of the swamp trees behind me has violently extended a branch. I glanced at Gay-Lin to see that she was preoccupied with an extended eye roll. I directed the tree branch at Swamp Tomoyo's door in order to break it down and allow us access.

"Well, hello Tempura and Gay-Lin. How nice of you to visit me!" I turned around in horror to see Swamp Tomoyo standing at the door. She was smiling with her eyes closed (as she often does) so she didn't see the fist of solid oak slam into her.

"WOOD. Return!" I commanded, and she climbed back inside of her card. I stored the card back into the designated holder and then went to review the damage. Swamp Tomoyo was lying on the ground, covered in swamp debris. I couldn't tell if this came from the recent incident or was simply a part of her general attire.

"Swamp Tomoyo, are you okay?" I screamed, rushing over to her and accidentally stamping on her fingers with the stiletto heels I had chosen to wear.

"Oh yes. I am fine. Now why don't you two come in and have some tea? Gay-Lin, it has been so long" Swamp Tomoyo said calmly to the two of us. Gay-Lin looked nervous, but came into Tomoyo's hut anyway.

I surveyed the scene; Swamp Tomoyo's hut was quite basic. There was some straw on the floor where she slept and a fire in the middle of the room for warmth. In one corner of the home there was a shelf full of aubergine-emoji shaped appliances, the utility of which was unknown to me! At the very back of the hut was a table lain with a cloth stained brown and red. There were several candles on top of it, and a framed pictures of me. I assumed that everyone had one of these in their homes, and that they could be purchased from most major retailers.

"We would love some tea" I told Swamp Tomoyo, although Gay-Lin looked apprehensive. Five minutes later, Tomoyo was pouring an orange transparent liquid into three vessels made out of compacted dead leaves and earth.

"Oh, I almost forgot! Keer-OH is here too!" I said, releasing the catch on my bag. I expected Keer-OH to fly out gasping for air, however there was no reaction! I put my face up to the bag and upturned my box of Nao-Co crab sticks; Keer-OH had been hiding in there!

"Don't make me go out there!" he said, terrified and wrapping his leg stumps around a greying crab stick that had attracted bag-dust.

"Oh fine!" I turned to the group again. "Looks like it's just the three of us, I left Keer-OH at home!"

"What a shame" Swamp Tomoyo responded, her eyes unopening.

"So, what have you been up to recently, Tomo… Swamp Tomoyo" Gay-Lin asked.

"Well, I have a lot of new projects underway so I hope you're both sitting comfortably!" Swamp Tomoyo said, referring to the rocks she had gathered for us to sit on.

"Okay, but before you tell us, what's in this tea?" I interrupted with skill, worrying that the conversation was shifting away from myself, Cardcaptor Tempura.

"I'm so glad you asked! This tea is one of my many ongoing projects! One day, I got very angry and emitted a silky paste from my pores. There was so much of it that I didn't know what to do with it. However, one day I tried mixing it with water that I had boiled on the fire, and that's how Tomoyotea was created!"

"Oh… how lovely!" I purred, sliding the pot into a miscellaneous tank that Swamp Tomoyo kept on the ground.

"Isn't it? It's part of a whole range of Swamp Tomoyo commodities that I have developed for retail!" As Swamp Tomoyo told me this, the whites of my eyes completely disappeared, and a black swirl appeared in their place; I was expressing surprise.

"...commodities?"

"Yes, since the… incident, with the home videos, I have been looking at ways to promote myself as a powerful and sophisticated swamp maiden without bringing my name into disrepute. Here, see for yourself!" Swamp Tomoyo pulled a festering blanket off of a mound of products, unfamiliar to me. "It turns out the paste that I told you about before has a variety of applications! I mixed it with mayonnaise and created 'Tomoyonnaise; a creamy condiment with a sour, musty tang! Here, I have some on my toes from earlier; why don't you lick it off for me?"

I extended my grainy, yet luscious tongue towards her undulating foot extensions; they were coated in a semi-dry layer of oily serum. My tongue established contact with the Tomoyonnaise, and suddenly my senses were overwhelmed. I instantly had the impression that I had just gifted someone with a rim job (which I hadn't done for AT LEAST thirty-six hours).

"Gay-Lin, you must have a sample too!" Swamp Tomoyo said, turning to the repulsed Gay-Lin.

"Uh… I had ice cream earlier, so… I'm kinda full".

"That's okay! I'll give you a copy of my autobiography instead. It's called 'Romping With Swampy', an account of my life up until now!"

"Swamp Tomoyo… You sound like you've been busy. I had no idea that swamp life was so productive! Where sells your products?" I asked her.

"Well, here's the thing. I haven't had any success anywhere. I tried marketing Tomoyonnaise to the local Nao-Store franchise, but all everyone wants to eat is Naoyonnaise! No one wants MY autobiography because they're too busy reading about the CEO of Nao-Co… whoever she is! I've even released a smooth jazz album called 'Come Into Tomoyo's Swamp' but the 'NAO 57' CD is too popular at the moment! I can't get any of my delightful products anywhere" Swamp Tomoyo sighed sadly and poured herself another cup of the rapidly congealing paste tea.

"It's funny you say that…" Gay-Lin begun to speak as she reached inside of her bag, now speckled with swamp slime. "Have you seen these before, Swamp Tomoyo?" Gay-Lin was brandishing her set of Nao-Cards that she had shown to me, Tempura, earlier.

"But, don't these look kind of like the Clow-Cards? This is so weird, Swamp Madison brought one of these in from outside the other day!"

"Who is Swamp Madison?" I asked, confused once more.

"She's my pet swamp slug".

"Madison's a bitchy name. Anyway, back to me. How did this Nao-Card get all the way to the swamp?" I then realised that my bag was cluttered full of discarded coleslaw boxes, and various people's eyelashes. I approached the hole in Swamp Tomoyo's mud-hut wall to empty it out.

"I don't know, I guess someone must have dropped it on the floor whilst walking out here".

"Oh my God, that is a disgrace. You guys know I am 100% against littering" I informed them proudly whilst scattering the debris from my bag across Swamp Tomoyo's rock/paste garden.

"Swamp Tomoyo, what do you think is going on? I have no idea where this card might have come from" Gay-Lin cut across me.

"Nor me, it is literally untraceable. If only there was a clue that we're not picking up on… " At this moment, my phone buzzed pleasurably against my accessible, yet exclusive hotspot. I longed for it to keep gently rippling against me, but recognised that there were many people who might urgently need my presence, and nobly extracted it from my deep, gaping pocket. It was a reminder that I had set for this afternoon!

"Guys, I have to get going! I have to be at university in half an hour otherwise I'm going to be late for my unspecified learning class! I can't be late, otherwise the class won't be able to start without me" I boomed and whispered at them, at the same time.

"Oh my God, Tempura, does this mean we're in the same class? I have unspecified learning in half an hour too!" Gay-Lin shrieked.

"What a fucking coincidence" Swamp Tomoyo growled.

"Swamp Tomoyo, I was meaning to tell you. Miss Miso-Queen is back! And she's teaching me and Gay-Lin for unspecified learning. I had no idea she had expertise in that specific subject!"

"What? Miss Miso-Queen and the Nao Cards? This is getting kinda spooky…" Swamp Tomoyo looked apprehensive.

"You know what? You should come with us to university! I'm sure Miss Miso-Queen would love to see you again and hear what you've been up to!" I asked.

"Sure! When have normal rules and regulations applied to us?"

The three of us then set off to Tomoeda University, where me and Gay-Lin would begin our journeys on the path to the rest of our lives. But things were still uncertain. Hopefully after talking to Miss Miso-Queen we would have the answers to some of our questions!


	3. Cardchapter 3: Miss Miso-Queen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tempura and Gay-Lin are late for their first class at Tomoeda University. They and Swamp Tomoyo are determined to make as good an impression as possible on their first day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: This chapter was written in the dream corner.

Gay-Lin, Swamp Tomoyo and I were walking down the hallway in Tomoeda University to our unspecified learning class. We had waded and squelched our way through Swamp Tomoyo's personal swamp gardens, so we were running late and had to rush to our classroom. As soon as we reached the door, I realised that we had forgotten something integral to our future success.

"Ladies, wait!" I oinked. Swamp Tomoyo turned around, and Gay-Lin looked impatient.

"What is it Tempura?" Gay-Lin panted.

"There are preparations for this class that we haven't yet made!" We were about to enter the doorway to our futures, and it seemed like I was the only one who appreciated how important it was to look sexually promiscuous, yet vaginally intact at the same time. I reached inside of my grease-laden bag and pulled out two bottles of nail polish.

"I've picked a nail polish colour that I think would suit each of us best!" I continued. "Swamp Tomoyo, this one is for you". I extended a bottle entitled 'Fat Slut' towards her, and she gratefully accepted.

"Thanks Tempura!" Swamp Tomoyo grizzled, as she begun to paint her moth-bitten fingernails with Fat Slut. I then handed Gay-Lin the other bottle of nail polish ('Potato at the Back of the Cupboard') before decorating my own flaky nails with egg mayonnaise. This wasn't technically nail polish, but I thought that it had a rather fetching effect, combined with an aromatic scent as it dried and crusted on to me. Our maid, Stacey, always left pots of the stuff around, so we all needed to find new applications for it (Dad liked to mix it with turmeric and use it as paint for the walls).

I then pulled apart some of the buttons at the top of my blouse, revealing my sensuous lime green bra with pictures of giraffes on it. I did the same for Gay-Lin's, exposing her bare, polished cleavage. Swamp Tomoyo, I left alone, given past experiences when rummaging down there.

"Tempura, we've been stood outside for three minutes now" Gay-Lin huffed, interrupting my ideas on how I could make a dramatic and attractive entrance.

"Okay! Okay! I'm going in!" I slid the door open and flounced inside, my chest puffed out to the extent that my breasts entered the room before the rest of me did. I was stood before the entire class, and I used this as an opportunity to gaze soulfully around the room. Surprisingly, the classroom looked exactly as the ones at Tomoeda Elementary School. In a shock twist of fate, there were three seats available, enough to accommodate Gay-Lin, Swamp Tomoyo and I. At the front of the room, sitting at the desk, was Miss Miso-Queen. She stood up, smiled, and approached us.

"Tempura Dinner-Photo, and Gay-Lin Gay. Please take a seat" she said, gesturing towards the empty seats at the middle of the classroom.

"Okay!" I replied, closing my eyes and smiling.

"Did you girls bring a guest with you?" I turned around to look at what she was referring to, however I could not see anything. It was because my eyes were closed. I peeled back my smoked salmon eyelids, and realised that Miss Miso-Queen had been referring to Swamp Tomoyo!

"Swamp Tomoyo?" she mouthed in shock. So, the swamp stories had reached a wider ground than we had thought!

"I'm just here to observe" Swamp Tomoyo told her. Miss Miso-Queen obliged, and Swamp Tomoyo sat down near to Gay-Lin and I. I feared that I hadn't made the sensual and provocative impact that I hoped for on my fellow students. In order to compensate for this, I chafed my brittle undergarments down my thighs and onto the floor, replacing them with a single slice of dehydrated cucumber to soak up any potential secretions of vegetable oil.

"Now, we're going to start off the unspecified learning by getting everyone to stand up and introduce themselves!" Miss Miso-Queen announced. My heart leapt with anticipation and mild arrhythmia; this was my opportunity to showcase my sumptuous and refined personality to the rest of my fellow students. I could feel my internal irrigation systems pulse into action.

"Since we have a guest in this class, I think it would make sense to start with her! Swamp Tomoyo, why don't you tell the class a little bit about yourself?" Swamp Tomoyo stood up.

"Hi everyone, my name is Swamp Tomoyo and I live in the swamp. I am a filmmaker and I produce my own films. However, my swamp hut doesn't have any big screen capacity, so I have to make do. I am the director of many major swamp hits such as 'Tempura in the Swamp' and 'Tempura's Treats'. You probably haven't heard of them because they're not mainstream cinema and are quite edgy. Sometimes, I enjoy a…"

"...okay, I think we'll move on to another student now!" Miss Miso-Queen said abruptly, which I thought was quite rude given that Swamp Tomoyo had not finished! However, it meant that I would get more time to talk about myself, so I didn't care that much.

"Gay-Lin, how about you?" Miss Miso-Queen moved on, and Gay-Lin stood up.

"Hello class, I'm Gay-Lin Gay. I'm from Hong Kong. I did live in Tomoeda for a little bit when I was ten. This was only because I was supposed to be the love interest of Sharon Lynette, you may have heard of them! However, Sharon thought they were in love with Tempura, and didn't love me anymore. And when you're a love interest who's no longer useful, your life becomes worthless. I then moved back to Hong Kong, but now I'm back!" Gay-Lin extrapolated.

"...right, well… How wonderful!" Miss Miso-Queen sighed. "Tempura, how about you?" Her words brought my whole world alive and I stood on my chair so everyone would be able to view me in equal proportion (I am a champion of accessibility and equal opportunities).

"My name is Tempura Dinner-Photo" I belted, whilst hitching my sinewy leg up onto the desk. "I know that you probably all look at me and see a busy lady who is both erotic and cultured. Some of you may ask 'how many pornographic films has she appeared in?'. My answer to that? Well, you better ask Swamp Tomoyo. I am looking forward to working with all of you in the future, but please don't consider my generally fuckalicious exterior as an invitation to penetrate my interior. That is all, you're welcome!" I finished my speech with my arm extended, anticipating applause, however it seemed that I had inspired everyone so much that they were rendered silent. That was understandable, I am a tough act to follow.

"That was… enlightening. Thank you Tempura" Miss Miso-Queen said with a hint of nausea. I assumed she was pregnant. "Now, we have one more student to introduce to the class!" I was confused. Surely Gay-Lin, Swamp Tomoyo and I were the only relevant students in this class? Could there be someone else we knew here?

"Tikka, would you mind telling us a little bit about yourself?" I looked over in astonishment as a very familiar, heavily pregnant young woman heaved herself up to address my overwhelmed colleagues. Tikka used to be in our class at Tomoeda Elementary School! How could it be that she was also studying unspecified subjects?

"Hi everyone, my name is Tikka! As you can see, I am expecting a child, but I think I'll be able to balance it with my studies. I was impregnated by a teacher from Tomoeda, Mr. Masala, and now we are due to be married! This is something that I've dreamed about since I regularly brought cans of hot dogs (in brine) to my lessons with him. The point of the story is that my dream is coming true, now so can yours! If I can be Tikka Masala, then you can be whatever you're dreaming of. Thank you!" Tikka sat down, to a round of applause. Clearly her speech wasn't inspirational enough to render the class's collective power of speech defunct.

"Right, well I think that's everyone covered!" Miss Miso-Queen began. "Now, for this next part of the lesson, I'm going to talk to you about the class government. We have to elect students into different positions! There are different roles here that I've written on the whiteboard and you can see if you want to put yourself forward for them". I turned to face what Miss Miso-Queen was talking about and felt the slice of cucumber tickle my tempting yet calcified inner sanctum. I let out a refined yet slutty giggle and observed what she had written.

On the board there were a variety of roles written. There were responsibilities such as 'opinion collector' and 'mood reader', but the one I knew that I was destined and most qualified for was 'class president'. I was the kinkiest britch in this entire town, and anyone with half a brain cell would know me by reputation; I was the obvious choice.

"Tempura, are you going to put yourself forward for anything?" Gay-Lin asked me, clearly realising my intense and suffocating potential.

"Tempura, you should go for class president! A president needs a variety of outfits, and since moving to the swamps I have many new materials to work with" Swamp Tomoyo joined in, unable to resist the chance to create garments to bedeck my succulent body.

"Oh guys, I'm not so… I'LL DO IT" I grunted. There was no point in concealing my immense talent so I scraped myself up to the whiteboard and wrote my name next to class president. A few other people were writing their names next to the insignificant tasks, but I didn't pay any notice to this. Miss Miso-Queen then stood up to address the class once more.

"Well, it looks like that's all we have time for today! Good work class, we've covered such a lot. Next week we'll vote for the different positions!" When she said this, I thought to myself that I would vote for 'The Wheelbarrow' but then it hit me that she was talking about positions in class government. Everyone begun to pack up to get to their next classes, but I made sure to catch Swamp Tomoyo and Gay-Lin.

"Guys, we need to talk to Miss Miso-Queen about the Nao Cards if we're to have any idea of what they are and who created them, there are literally no clues anywhere!" Gay-Lin looked at me and frowned.

"But she's already left!" My head whirled around to see that Miss Miso-Queen's desk was empty. Where could she have gone?

"Right. We're going to have to scour the entire university and find her! We need to get to the bottom of this!" I blooped.

"How are we going to do that?" Swamp Tomoyo asked, a puzzled frown twisting her tarnished features.

"With the help of the Clow Cards, and a rampant inclination to promiscuity!" I replied, with a 'go-get-em' attitude! Tomoyo looked titillated by the prospect, however sighed impatiently.

"Not again" she moaned, as she trundled out of classroom with Swamp Tomoyo and I.


	4. Cardchapter 4: Batter And Serve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tempura, Gay-Lin and Swamp Tomoyo have questions to question Miss Miso-Queen about the Nao Cards, but get embroiled in an impromptu tennis match while trying to locate her.

"Tempura, wait! Where are we going?" I heard Gay-Lin's voice behind me cry out in exasperation. I stopped walking beside a window facing the courtyard outside, and rotated my sumptuous mounds of flesh in order to face her and respond.

"What do you mean? We're looking for Miss Miso-Queen!" I sung.

"But, where? We don't know where she is, and you're just leading us around aimlessly!" Gay-Lin spluttered impatiently.

"Maybe we should use a Clow Card?" Swamp Tomoyo contributed. Gay-Lin gulped but I seized on this opportunity to slather them in my mystical sensuality.

"That's a great idea". I scoured the Clow Deck out of my boundary zone and flipped through the cards. Which one would help me? Fly? Shadow? Illusion? As soon as the right card hit my vision, I knew exactly what to do to find Miss Miso-Queen…

"JUMP" I wailed, and instantly felt the air beneath me launch me into the air. Unfortunately, there wasn't a lot of air before the ceiling and I delicately crashed before plummeting to the floor on top of Gay-Lin. I made sure to fall on top of her specifically to inject some intimacy into her miserable life.

"Tempura, have you noticed that this always happens when you try to use the Clow Cards?" Gay-Lin grumbled irritably, apparently not comprehending how privileged she was to be in such a position. I politely disregarded all of the words coming out of her mouth and got up on my feet again to gaze soulfully out of the window. To my immense surprise, there was only one person outside in the courtyard, and it just happened to be Tikka! She was standing in the middle of the tennis court, alone.

"Hey guys look! Tikka's standing outside all on her own!" I announced to the others. Swamp Tomoyo gazed soulfully out of the window.

"Oh yeah! I wonder why she's standing on the tennis court. Maybe we should call down to her?" Swamp Tomoyo suggested. Gay-Lin heaved herself to her feet. She then gazed out of the window, soulfully. I was about to agree with Swamp Tomoyo, but I instantly spotted a cavernous gash in her plan. I intended to tell everyone about my gash.

"That's a good idea, Swamp Tomoyo, but the window's closed! How is she going to hear us with all this glass in the way?"

"We can open…" Gay-Lin began, feebly.

"WINDY!" I screeched, and a flying woman burst from the card I was holding. She dived through the window, shattering it into tiny shards that fell and littered the courtyard. I felt my yeast rash activate in celebration of my deep success.

"Nice job Tempura!" Swamp Tomoyo bristled. I moved up to the window and called out to Tikka, my sultry voice echoing around the courtyard as if it were a chocolate brown discharge squeezing itself out of my ample pores.

"Hey Tikka! What are you doing out there?" Tikka looked up from her solitary position on the court to gaze soulfully through the window, however she found that there was no window to gaze through, and therefore just gazed in a pretty average way.

"Hi guys!" she gushed with the intoxicating surprise of being addressed by me. "I arranged to play tennis with some of my friends, but none of them showed up!" I looked down to the spot where she stood. Sure enough, she was holding a tennis racquet and ball; conveniently, there were three more racquets on the floor. I turned to Gay-Lin and Swamp Tomoyo.

"Guys, why don't we go and play tennis with Tikka? We can't just leave her there on her own!" Swamp Tomoyo shivered with the excitement of seeing me in action, however Gay-Lin didn't look quite as convinced.

"We still haven't found Miss Miso-Queen!" Gay-Lin began, but she was soon interrupted by a heavily stimulated Swamp Tomoyo.

"Tempura, this is perfect! Not long ago after you visited I made an outfit for you to play tennis in! I have one for you too Gay-Lin!" she screamed, her eyes rapidly increasing in size.

"What do you mean? We visited you this morning, how did you have time?" Gay-Lin asked, but her question went unanswered, as usual.

"This is perfect!" I ejected with glee, before turning back to Tikka. "We'll be down in ten minutes Tikka!" This gave us time to get changed into our sports clothes and do some warm up exercises.

Ten minutes later, the three of us were standing on the tennis court. Swamp Tomoyo had made me an outfit that was comprised mostly of tasteful lime green PVC. For accessories, she had provided a beautiful pink ribbon for my luxuriantly brackish hair and nipple clamps, although I was confused as to why she had only given me two. Gay-Lin's outfit was a splendidly rustic potato sack. Although four players would have been perfect for a balanced tennis match, Tomoyo had opted to sit aside with her trusted and well-worn camcorder (a device which I had come to know intimately through the years). Puzzlingly, Gay-Lin opted to be on Tikka's team, leaving me as the sole player for mine. It didn't bother me, my snazzy sensuality was enough to carry me through seamlessly.

I took the first serve, as I knew that it would inject the game with a sense of sophisticated primal energy. Gay-Lin batted back competently, before I launched the ball back into her caught. Tikka tried to contribute as much as she could, but the bastard child growing inside of her womb selfishly hampered her performance. I hated people who were self-centred, and this seemed to me like a prime example of that.

After ten minutes, we were at a draw and it didn't look like anyone was going to break ahead. I began to look for subtle ways that I could enhance my already perfect performance, and keep abreast of my competitors. I immediately knew what to do.

"WOOD" I hollah'd with a pleasingly vaginal acrobatic turn. I realised that this may not have been the correct solution, as my racquet shot out of my hand, smashing to the floor and sending large splinters in all directions.

"Whoopsie!" I giggled whilst pressing my ornamental nipple clamps to the asphalt of the tennis court. "I am such a butterfingers!" I arose from my graceful position to see Tikka sprawled on the floor panting. This instantly made me angry, now was not the time for that kind of lewd behaviour! I marched over to her pathetic figure.

"Tempura, I think she needs help!" Gay-Lin cried at me. I observed Tikka as she writhed on the floor with obvious pleasure. The hilt of my tennis racquet had ricocheted off of the floor and pierced her pregnant stomach. The situation was exacerbated by the fact that she had landed on a scattering of glass shards that some monstrosity had left everywhere. Obviously a situation such as this requires sensitivity, and I was well placed to deliver an appropriate response to keep the situation calm and under control.

"You wanted an abortion, right?"

"I took an Open University course in abortions once" Gay-Lin chimed in.

"My mum tried to abort me, but I kept on growing" Swamp Tomoyo added. Whilst considering their separate qualifications I suddenly realised that we had abandoned what we had initially set out to do.

"Guys, hang on, we've completely forgotten to find Miss Miso-Queen!" I informed everyone.

"Tempura, don't you think we should think about out priorities?" Gay-Lin added.

"That's what I'm trying to say! We said that we'd look for Miss Miso-Queen FIRST. She could be anywhere! Tikka will understand". I was exasperated at their lack of energy for this crucial objective. The mystery of the Nao-Cards wasn't going to solve itself! Was I the only one who wasn't continually distracted by some trivial event?

"I agree with Tempura" Swamp Tomoyo added, whilst massaging her camera.

"Okay, that's most of us in agreement! Come on Gay-Lin, we've got to find Miss Miso-Queen" I informed her imperiously. She took one reluctant look at Tikka and turned back to us as we walked back towards the main building of Tomoeda University. As soon as we had reached the foyer, we huddled together to try and formulate a plan together.

"Miss Miso-Queen could be anywhere. Where are we going to start looking?" Swamp Tomoyo asked, looking puzzled. I was about to splatter them with fantastic ideas, before I was interrupted by an oddly familiar voice.

"Miss Miso-Queen is in the staff room at the moment" a man's voice spoke from behind us. All three of us turned around in perfect (and obviously non-contrived) synchronicity. To our utter shock, it was Mr. Masala! What could an educational professional based in Tomoeda be doing in a Tomoeda educational facility? It simply made no sense to me!

"Mr. Masala! What are you doing here?" Gay-Lin asked. Out of the three of us, it was her who hadn't seen him for the longest stretch of time, due to the fact that she had moved back to Hong Kong.

"I'm a teacher here! My class is general learning" he told us.

"That's such a coincidence!" I prodded. "Tomorrow, Gay-Lin and I have got a general learning class. Does this mean that you'll be our teacher?"

"It sure does! Say, is that Tempura Dinner-Photo? And Gay-Lin Gay? I haven't seen you girls for years!"

"It's been a while. And Swamp Tomoyo is here too!" I stood aside in order to reveal her pleasant countenance.

"Great!" He beamed. "Tempura, that sure is a delicious outfit you're sporting today! What's the occasion?"

"No occasion, just playing a light tennis game with Tikka!".

"How wonderful! Now you mention it, where is Tikka? I have an appointment booked with her for this afternoon. It's… pretty important". I tried to remember where Tikka might have said she was going after we finished our match, but I couldn't remember. I was too busy trying to find Miss Miso-Queen to look after Tikka as well!

"I can't remember, Mr. Masala".

"Well, I'll have to catch you girls later, but it was nice seeing you again" he said as he bustled off. It seemed like Gay-Lin was trying to tell him something, but he had rushed away before she could get any words out of her mouth. To my relief, I knew where the staff room was located. I had fond recollections of my visit to Tomoeda university a year ago on an open evening, when I had thrusted myself into that very same room in order to get my name around. 365 days later, Tempura seemed to be in everyone's mouth. I decided to lead the way.

"Follow me guys, I know where I'm going!" I postulated, swanning forward. Two minutes later, we were standing outside the door to the staff room. I pressed my suction pads against the suggestive door knob and attempted to operate it as one would normally do so for a door, however I found that it was locked to the outside. Luckily, I knew exactly what to do.

"TEMPURA N-" Gay-Lin tried to prevent me from doing what was right, but I knew exactly what needed to be done.

"LOCK" I trickled, and heard a satisfying click of the lock mechanisms that sent a bristling tickle through my chalky innards.

"Oh, sorry" Gay-Lin admitted. "I thought you were going to use Windy…" I let her dissolve in the corrosive shame that constantly coated her shameful persona, before kicking the door open with a refined kick. The door swung open, revealing the richly voluptuous figure of Miss Miso-Queen. She had been busy shovelling Naoyonaisse into a bowl of steaming microwave Nao-Ramen (cucumber flavour). Upon seeing us, she threw the bowl of Ramen in the air, before kicking it out of a tasteful window.

"Good afternoon ladies, how can I help you?" she said to the three of us with ease. I approached her, my decorative nipple clamps fluttering elegantly in the breeze of the open window. Gay-Lin's potato sack rippled attractively.

"Miss Miso-Queen! We have something important that we have to show you!" Miss Miso-Queen raised an eyebrow; surely she couldn't be doubting something from the mouth of Cardcaptor Tempura?

"What is it?" she asked, sitting down. The three of us sat down on chairs facing her, and I undid the clasp on my bag to get the Nao-Cards that Gay-Lin had given to me this morning. The moment that my bag was opened, Kero-OH shot out.

"FINALLY! Tempura, I've been wedged between a half eaten tin of sardines that you opened LAST YEAR and a vib-" Keer-OH stopped suddenly, realising who was sitting in front of us. "Miss Miso-Queen…" he begun.

"Hello Keer-OH, it has been a long time" Miss Miso-Queen greeted him. I sensed that the discussion was derailing away from me, which was unacceptable behaviour, and it was my task to screech it back on course.

"Keer-OH, where are the Nao-Cards?" I asked the floating winged beast.

"Nao-Cards? I thought you took them out a couple of hours ago?" he told me, seemingly confused.

"No, I haven't touched them since Gay-Lin gave them to me this morning!"

"That's weird. I think it was while you were still in class, a hand reached in and took them out. It was covered in Dorito dust, so I assumed it was you".

"Dorito dust… Stacey…" I murmured to myself.

"Huh?" Swamp Tomoyo interrupted. "Isn't Stacey your maid?"

"Yes" I confirmed. "She made an embarrassment of herself in her home country of England. She appeared on a televised competitive baking programme and showcased her stupidity. Game shows in Japan are designed to humiliate their contestants, but she managed to do this all by herself. She tried to cultivate a better image for herself, but she just brought further shame on anyone who associated themselves with her. She was forced to auction herself as a maid in Japan where she was seen as a hilarious novelty".

"I don't understand, what were you meant to be showing me?" Miss Miso-Queen asked, understandably confused.

"Another time, Miss Miso-Queen!" I turned to Swamp Tomoyo and Gay-Lin again. "Guys, we need to find Stacey!" We all turned to leave the staff room, before Miss Miso-Queen stopped us.

"Ladies, wait!" she cried dramatically. She extracted three supple and bulging oriental pears out of her handbag, and handed them to us. "Remember to get your five-a-day!" I closed my eyes and opened my mouth.

"Thanks Miss Miso-Queen!" I trilled. Gay-Lin and Swamp Tomoyo muttered their thanks, and we left the staff room as clueless as we had been when we had entered. We walked past a shamelessly broken window in a corridor, and I thought to myself how scandalous it was that maintenance just wasn't upheld at this institution.

"Guys, wait…" Gay-Lin said to us, gazing soulfully out of what was the window. "That's Mr. Masala down there!" Swamp Tomoyo and I gazed soulfully down to the tennis courts; mysteriously, Mr. Masala was standing there. He seemed like he was waiting for someone. It seemed like Tikka had left soon after we finished our game of tennis. Didn't she have an appointment with Mr. Masala?

"That's strange" Swamp Tomoyo said. "I wonder where Tikka is?"

"I don't know" I replied, deep in thought.

It seemed like so much was happening on our first day of university! Where were the Nao-Cards? What had happened to Tikka? What was Stacey doing in my bag? I knew we had to head back home in order to confront her, and get to the bottom of what was going on!


	5. Cardchapter 5: Goose Chase

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tempura, along with Gay-Lin and Swamp Tomoyo, interrogates her maid Stacey about the whereabouts of the missing Nao-Cards before confronting her old flame, Sharon Linette, about them.

After the shock of finding that the Nao-Cards had been purloined from my spacious pouch, Gay-Lin, Swamp Tomoyo and I ventured back to my house to confront our prime suspect; Stacey. With a lurid motion, I pulled the cord that my keys were attached to, and felt the slow friction of cold metal rising between my two exquisitely primed grapefruit hemispheres.

"Tempura could you hurry up already?" Gay-Lin interjected. I wanted to argue my case, but I acquiesced and slid the key out in a swifter fashion. The door clicked open, and I ushered the two ladies inside.

"STACEY?!" I heartily bellowed, embodying the singular spirit of world peace, my voice filling the room like a rapidly congealing sauce at the bottom of a casserole dish.

"MURGHH" she grunted from the living room. I pivoted towards the canary coloured area to see a surprising but not out-of-character sight. Stacey was pinned underneath our most sacred and ancient family heirloom (a vending machine). I surmised that she had wanted a snack but couldn't comprehend the vast array of numbers and selections, resorting to primal force in her primitive frustration.

"Is she okay?" Swamp Tomoyo asked. Disregarding Swamp Tomoyo's misguided sympathies, I swerved closer to Stacey's floor-bound figure and lowered my face so it was directly above hers.

"Tell me where the Nao-Cards are you wretchedly oozing cunt munch!" I yelped with the bestial and sensuous savagery of bristling musk ox. In response to my fury, Stacey simply whimpered, refusing to give a straight answer. Solving this mystery would take longer than I had hoped.

"Wait! Tempura, we might be going about this the wrong way" Gay-Lin pleaded with me. I decided to entertain her quests towards reason.

"How?" I queried brusquely. She came up closer to me in order for her words just to be heard by Swamp Tomoyo and I, however I believed that a trickling of desire was colouring her decision.

"Well, think about it. Stacey's been trapped underneath a vending machine, and obviously hasn't moved from that position. Depending on how long she's been under there, she might not have been able to get to the university and take the Nao-Cards! Judging by that iridescently golden puddle on the floor, I'd say she's been there for a while" Gay-Lin expounded, clearly proud of her analysis, however I spotted a flaw in her reasoning.

"She does that anyway sometimes" I countered.

"Well, just ask her how long she's been under there for".

"Fine" I growled raspily, before turning to the writhing body on the floor. "Stacey, how long have you been under there?" Signs of partial comprehension flashed over her face as she digested my words and tried to recall the rules of sentence structure; the pool of golden liquid grew larger in her exertion. Eventually, the meaning of my words were revealed to her, and she began to mime a mysterious action.

"What is she doing?" Swamp Tomoyo asked with a concerned expression spread across her crust-flecked features.

"I think she's trying to tell us something…" Gay-Lin answered.

"Hmmm…" I begun to think. I gazed over to my injured maid, who appeared to be performing a scooping action with one hand, whilst curving the other.

"Wait!" Gay-Lin screamed with vim and vigour. "She's eating cereal!"

"What could that mean?" wondered Swamp Tomoyo.

"Breakfast!" Gay-Lin shouted out, to which Stacey begun to murmur in an affirmative manner.

"Breakfast? If she's been here since breakfast, then how could she have taken the Nao-Cards? She would have been trapped under the vending machine when they were taken" Swamp Tomoyo surmised. There was just one more thing that remained unresolved.

"Okay, but explain the Dorito dust!" I spluttered, unable to comprehend how this could have come to be without her putrid involvement.

"It could be a ruse" Gay-Lin begun. "Everyone in Tomoeda knows about Stacey and her permanently stained orange fingertips. They could have planted that Dorito dust in order to trick us and lead us down the wrong path!"

"That makes sense…" Swamp Tomoyo agreed reluctantly, unwilling to disagree with me.

"Okay, but who would want to take the Nao-Cards?" I challenged them?

"Why would this witless flesh vessel want to take them?" Gay-Lin rebuffed. I was beginning to see the sense in their arguments, but if it wasn't Stacey, then who could it be? How would we find them and have the cards returned to us? I sighed and turned back towards them.

"How else are we going to figure out who it was?" I asked, dejectedly. These kind of trials and tribulations had not featured in my expectations of a stimulating and deeply erotic university experience. As if in answer to my question, Keer-OH rose out of my bag, clutching what looked like a green rectangle in his paw. I felt a warmly reverberating labial twang in anticipation of this new development.

"Guys, you might want to see this!" he said to everyone, scandalously not placing the central emphasis on myself. Nevertheless, we crowded over to see what he had to show us. The rectangle in Keer-OH's hand looked like a business card.

"This was in Tempura's bag" he told us, before flipping it over to show the identity of cardholder. The face on the card shocked me.

"That's Sharon Linette!" I shrieked with the shock of this revelation. The photo on the card was clearly Sharon, and it was from a company called 'Reed's Beads'; did Sharon work for this company?

"Li!" Gay-Lin belted with years of sexual repression (a feeling that I, Tempura, could not relate to in the slightest). I turned to Gay-Lin furiously.

"Gay-Lin, that's their dead name!" I shouted, stamping my foot so she would know how serious I was.

"What?"

"Gay-Lin, a lot has happened since moved back to Hong Kong" Swamp Tomoyo began. I was mildly irritated that she had decided to tell this story instead of me, but my formidable self-restraint kept me from behaving aggressively. "After you moved away, Tempura and Sharon became briefly romantically involved, an event which just happened to coincide with the downturn in my filmmaking career. Tempura's ravenous sexual desires soon became too much for Sharon, and they admitted themself into a sanatorium. There they had time for a great deal of self-reflection, and after they returned to Tomoeda, they came out as being non-binary".

"I never knew…" I sensed that Gay-Lin was about to delve deep into her emotional persona, and knew that I must divert the conversation back to non-worthless topics.

"That settles it! We have to go to the headquarters of Reed's Beads and confront Sharon!" I spluttered with dignity, my nipple clamps vibrating with rampant energy.

"How do we get there?" Gay-Lin asked, clearly eager to see Sharon.

"There's an address on this card, but it's on the other side of the city!" Keer-OH contributed.

"Swamp Tomoyo, can your mum help us out?" I asked. Swamp Tomoyo looked pensive, in a lobotomised way.

"After I released Tempura's Treats, my mum's company went into administration due an international boycott. However, I might be able to get a swamp carriage to pick us up?" she told us. I had no idea what a 'swamp carriage' was, but it sounded like a deeply sensual experience that would also fulfill our objectives.

Twenty minutes later, a car was pulling up outside our driveway.

"Swamp Tomoyo, this is an Uber…" Gay-Lin said in her usual exasperated manner, however Swamp Tomoyo had already crawled into the passenger seat alongside Mahmood (our deliciously fuckable driver).

"Stacey, you better get more done whilst we're gone! You've done fuck all!" I serenely bellowed at our pinioned maid. She grunted from beneath the vending machine in response; I presumed that she understood her responsibility. I went to get in the car, where Swamp Tomoyo and Gay-Lin were entertaining Mahmood. I felt a hum of clitoral delight as I stretched my tangy legs across Swamp Tomoyo's crotch, as if someone had pressed a hairdryer into my vagina. Assuming the dominant position in the middle of the car, I seated myself. I decided that I would inject some pleasantries into the atmosphere with some tasteful conversation.

"So Mahmood, where are you from?" I enquired. "I've always wanted someone to sprinkle some cardamom pods into my reduced-fat salad cream".

"Tempura, you're Japanese" Gay-Lin tried to correct me.

"I've always wanted to be skewered on a YO! Sushi conveyor belt" I stated, whilst performing some basic pelvic floor exercises. Swamp Tomoyo bristled with joy, whereas Gay-Lin vomited.

"Gay-Lin! Do you have to lower the tone!" I boomed, letting my rage seep through my flesh. "How are we going to clean this mess up?" Gay-Lin seemed too nauseous to respond, however Swamp Tomoyo had an idea up her lichen-crusted sleeve.

"Why don't you use a Clow Card?" at this suggestion, I pulled the key of clow out of my seismic cleavage and coaxed it into its erect zenith. However, my hands were slightly lubricated with Tomoyonnaise and it slipped out of my grasp, shattering the windscreen of the Uber. Mahmood stomped on the brakes and I felt a tremor in my epicentre as if he were already waist deep in my regal clunge.

"OUT! All of you! Uber will not compensate me for the physical and psychological damage you are causing!" Mahmood shouted with masculine dominance; I liked where this is going.

"Oh, Mahmood! You'll have to come and remove us!" I squealed with well-concealed delight.

"Come on Tempura, let's just get there ourselves!" Gay-Lin said embarrassedly, her potato sack rustling in the oriental Japanese breeze. Swamp Tomoyo followed suit, using a fish-slice to unstick her thighs from the leather seats and scraped herself onto the pavement. As soon as we had all made our respective graceful exits, Mahmood sped off.

"Well, there goes my perfect Uber rating…" Swamp Tomoyo sighed with resignation. Gay-Lin had other thoughts on her mind.

"How are we going to get to Reed's Beads headquarters now?" she moaned.

"There's one more thing that we haven't tried…" I suggested playfully.

"What's that?"

"FLY" I yelled, and my flacid key of clow sprouted into a rigid stave, wings spreading out from the back. There was ample room for us three ladies to ride it with ease.

"Why didn't we do this before paying for an Uber?" Gay-Lin questioned, but Swamp Tomoyo and I were already mounting the hot pink pole with unreserved glee. Gay-Lin slid herself on to the end, and I piloted us into the air. After transforming the Clow Cards into Tempura Cards, the fly card gained satellite navigation, so I knew exactly where to head! After ten minutes of hard riding and intimate lady-contact we touched down again outside of a tall office building.

"Wow, this looks so impressive!" Swamp Tomoyo exclaimed. I was not so dazzled, due to my constant exposure to high class elegance. I looked up to take in the building; it was made of concrete and extended brazenly into the sky, giving me flashbacks to the many vivid memories I had accrued in my lifetime.

"Ladies, wait! We are about to enter a highly professional environment". I reviewed our clothing; I was still wearing the lime green PVC suit (with the requisite nipple clamps), and Gay-Lin had fastened her lavish potato sack with a navy blue ribbon. Our outfits were fine, but I was concerned about the long satin gown that Swamp Tomoyo was wearing.

"What do you mean?" Swamp Tomoyo asked, whilst applying an extra coat of Fat Slut to her fingernails.

"Here, maybe put this on" I instructed her, handing her a barrette that Yukito had bought for me in Hong Kong, around eight years ago in a street full of birds. She slipped it into a strand of brittle hair, and I then deemed us appropriate to enter the building. As we let ourselves into the foyer, I noticed a reception desk at the back of the room. A blonde woman was sitting at the desk. I figured that it was her that we needed to ask for information.

"Hello, we're here to see Sharon Linette" I told her imperiously. She slid her glasses down her face to appraise my stately countenance.

"Sharon from HR? Sure, their office is on the 4th floor. Go right up!" After saying this, she swivelled away from us and began to pick at her feet with a plastic spoon. I had been expecting more of a challenge; my nectar-laden breasts deflated like sun-dried tomatoes. We approached the lift, and boarded it upwards to the 4th floor. Sure enough, as soon as it opened we saw the door to Sharon Linette's office directly in front of us. I knocked on the door calmly; it was merely circumstantial that the door crashed open. Sharon Linette was sitting at their desk.

"Sharon Linette!" I verbally ejaculated. They looked up from their work, and a distinct look of surprise passed over their face.

"What're you all doing here? How'd you know I work here? ...Gay-Lin?" they stammered, full of questions, and overwhelmed by the tempting fragrances emanating directly from my well-worn transvaginal mesh implant.

"L…" Gay-Lin begun, but stopped herself. "Sharon… I'm back from Hong Kong for an important reason. I have a feeling that mysterious forces are at play around Tomoeda, and it will involve all four of us once more!"

"What makes you think that?" Sharon asked her, looking like they had something on their mind too.

"Gay-Lin found these. Tempura, show him the Nao-Cards!" Swamp Tomoyo said to me, forgetting everything that had taken place in the last two hours. Gay-Lin put her head in her hands.

"No, Swamp Tomoyo, they were stolen, remember? That's why we're here!" Gay-Lin tremored.

"That's why we're here Sharon. Keer-OH found your business card in my bag where the cards were taken from! Did you take the Nao-Cards?" I moaned, locking my eyes with him, my magma chamber booming.

"I've been here all day. How could I have done?" he responded to my accusation.

"Well, explain how your business card got into my bag? I didn't even know that you worked here!"

"If I was going to steal something from you, why would I deliberately link myself to the crime?" I was enraged, and reluctant to believe him, however Gay-Lin interjected into my impending storm surge.

"Tempura, what they're saying makes sense. It's just like the Dorito dust; why would Stacey put it there when we know it would lead us straight to her? It's the same as this; why would Sharon put their business card in your bag?" she tried to reason.

"Well, this makes no sense!" I stammered, frustrated at all the time we had wasted throughout the day. Despite my disappointment with how the day had gone, I was pleased that I had looked consistently sensuous, ensuring that I left a positive impression on everyone who saw me. I was thinking about this for a while when Gay-Lin interrupted me yet again.

"Someone is obviously trying to lead us down the wrong path. Whoever took the Nao-Cards doesn't want us to find out about them!" she told us. She was about to explain further, but she was stopped by a gentle knock at the door.

"Come in!" Sharon called. I draped my inner lips lithely over an ergonomic office chair in anticipation of our mystery visitor. The door opened, and five people clad in standard business attire entered the room. A tall, nondescript man in the middle of the group addressed us.

"We are representatives from Nao-Co, relaying a message that we are channeling nationwide" he spoke with his voice.

"Go ahead, but I have a meeting in five minutes, so make it brief" Sharon told them. The group assembled into a perfect line, and lifted up placards that said 'Nao-Co'.

"NAO-CO!" they chanted in unison. They marched in circles around the room repetitively chanting these words for three minutes. Some of them held lit torches, and others seemed to have small figures tattooed onto themselves. After a while, they got back into a line, before leaving us some Naoyonnaise. I was about to dig my oyster-flesh hand in to grab a scoop, but Swamp Tomoyo angrily grabbed it and threw it against the wall. After they had left the office was plunged into silence, which I thrust myself through and shattered.

"That was weird. Anyway, I have absolutely no idea where the Nao-Cards have come from or where they might have gone" I told everyone.

"Nothing strikes me as being particularly suspicious" Swamp Tomoyo said. "It's quite a brain teaser".

"Ladies, I'm going to have to ask you to leave now, I have a meeting in here very soon" Sharon informed us. I was quite offended that he wasn't inviting me to join the meeting, as I did have some very important and controversial opinions that could reshape his business strategy. However, I decided to just accept it as our time would be more well placed trying to relocate the missing Nao-Cards. We said our goodbyes to Sharon, promised to keep him in the loop before making our sultry departure.

Our interrogations of Stacey and Sharon had not yielded any information about the whereabouts of the Nao-Cards; they had just turned out to be red herrings (and I was more partial to the pickled variety). Swamp Tomoyo, Gay-Lin and I resolved to all go home and sleep on it, before a rendezvous tomorrow with a clearer head.


	6. Cardchapter 6: Smear Card

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The mystery of the Nao-Cards still remains, but Tempura has a gynaecological appointment that she must attend. During her check-up, she os unexpectedly greeted with a familiar face who gives her an insider perspective on Nao-Co.

I was flapping in the wind, buffeted by the gentle breeze rolling off of the fragrant Japanese hills. My voluptuous and undulating body had been flattened into a rectangular pancake, and was being hoisted aloft on a flagpole where I could be proudly displayed. I was watching over Tomoeda from my position up high, and my- wait, what was that coming in the distance?

A group of winged beasts were hurtling towards me, like gargoyles on an uninhibited saturday night. There was nothing I could do to stop them, and they were getting closer and closer to me at an accelerating pace. My intoxicating flesh ripples could do nothing to stop them, and they were about to tear an increasing number of holes through my indomitable persona!

Suddenly, I was vomited back into the world of waking consciousness. I patrolled my flesh and found myself to be perfectly three dimensional, as was the norm, and realised that I must have been dreaming. Gazing soulfully out of the window, I realised that it was Saturday morning.

"Ah, finally I have a day to myself!" I mewled into the mirror opposite my bed, celebrating the opportunity to realise several creative pursuits. Suddenly, my undercarriage dressing drawer sprung open and Keer-OH shot out.

"Tempura, you've got plenty to do today! You've got your appointment with the gyNAOcologist this morning, and then Swamp Tomoyo's performing at the university talent show!" he told me, penetrating deeply into my layered sanctum of inner peace.

"Oh no, I forgot!" I cried, my flaky tongue vibrating with every syllable.

"You better hurry if you want to make it to your appointment!" Just as he said this, I had leaped out of bed, scrambling to find clothing for my potent body, knocking over my box of dehydrated cucumber in my haste. As soon as most of my erogenous zones had been covered, I strapped on my rollerblades and whizzed off to the Tomoeda Medical Centre.

As soon as I arrived, I marched up to the desk, approaching the plain woman staffing the front desk; truly the white bread of her professional field.

"Hi, I'm Tempura Dinner-Photo and I have an appointment at 9am!" I announced to her grandly. I felt insulted when she didn't immediately stand up to address me. Instead, she put her magazine down on the desk and fixed her eyes on to my delicate persona.

"Please be seated until your name is called" she told me blandly, before returning to her reading material. I had been expecting a more comprehensive response to befit my social stature, but it didn't come. I walked away and plopped myself in the common waiting room like some kind of medieval peasant. In order to find some kind of entertainment, I was flipping through the magazines whilst I waited, trying to see if my face was on any of the covers.

"Tempura Dinner-Photo to examination room number two" an automated display droned. I leapt out of my seat and paraded out of the waiting room elegantly, towards the room where I would reveal the inner secrets of my physical intimacy. I pushed on the door heartily, ushering in a dramatic revelation.

"Sonomi?" I bristled. Seated in the gyNAOcologist's chair before me was Sonomi Daidouji, the mother of Swamp Tomoyo. At least, she had been Swamp Tomoyo's mother. After the Swamp Tomoyo's collection of 'home videos' had been implicated in both the WikiLeaks scandal and the Panama Papers, Sonomi's business empire faced international boycott and domestic sanctions. She attempted to distance herself from her daughter, but it was too late; the global market had been racked with revulsion and she had been forced to abandon her corporation. Neither I, nor Swamp Tomoyo had heard from her since.

"Tempura" she smiled, swivelling in her office chair. "I've been expecting you".

"How did you know I was coming?" I theatrically cried, suspecting Russian espionage. I had no idea where this woman had been, and was alarmed at the prospects. Despite my feelings, she just giggled.

"The online registration form?" she responded with an arched eyebrow.

"Oh… okay!" I breathed a sigh of relief. Although I had my suspicions about inserting intimate details such as my date of birth into an online database, it was clear to see that Sonomi had no ill intentions; it was clear that she was radiating a deep admiration of me.

"So just take a seat and we'll be ready to start the examination in just one moment!" I did as instructed and reclined elegantly on the velvet chaise that appeared to be the examination area. Glancing at the sundial I could see outside of the window, I saw that it was five minutes past nine; plenty of time to make it to Swamp Tomoyo's talent competition. Sonomi turned to face me.

"Okay so we're ready to begin now! If you could just lay back for me and get into a position where- ooh, you're already doing it, perfect!" I felt a rising surge of pride at my deeply accessible nature. "You know what? I actually haven't eaten anything all day. Do you mind if I have a little snack whilst we do this?"

"Of course!" I said, showcasing my ever-present consideration.

"Great!" Sonomi reached down and extracted a full rack of ribs (with a sticky honey glaze) from her purse. "Just a few leftovers from Monday night!" I smiled at her in affirmation as she rifled through her toolkit, ready to commence the excavation. She then grabbed a few papers that were lying on her desk.

"So, Tempura, the form you've submitted says that you've been experiencing some irritation? Could you elaborate on that?" Sonomi asked me, as she doused her meaty rack with crimson rivulets of sriracha. The fiery serum dripped into the crevices between each rib, forming droplets that cascaded onto my thighs.

"Yes, I have been feeling a lot of friction, as well as some chafing and some burning. Also, a grinding sensation coming from deep within" I listed the scope of my afflictions, making sure to illustrate my plight with alluring hand gestures.

"Well, Tempura, I think this calls for an inspection! Let me just grab..." Sonomi cut herself off, looking frantically around the room for something.

"Is everything okay Ms. GyNAOcologist?"

"Gosh darn it!" Sonomi wailed in exasperation before turning to face me again. "I attended a charity fundraiser for orphaned children last night and I must have left my gynecological equipment there!"

"Oh no!" I squealed with theatrical precision. "Whatever shall we do now?" Sonomi scratched her head and looked around the room, before an energy-efficient light bulb appeared above her head, illuminating her expression with the glow of a great idea.

"Don't worry, I'll just use the ribs!"

"...the ribs?"

"Yes, they'll work just fine" Sonomi confirmed, holding up a pair of curved bones which her sensuous incisors had plucked the supple flesh from. I did feel a quiver of reservation at the prospect of being perforated and inspected by the ribcage of a farmyard critter, however I am extremely eco-friendly and wholeheartedly support the re-use of various implements! Besides, the licks of dried sriracha embracing the compromised bones gave me pleasant memories of past misadventures with a rogue wasabi root!

"Oh...yes! I will prepare for the breach". I lowered myself into a supine position, splaying my legs as if I were a feathery chicken ready for spatchcocking. As I felt the tingle of the fiery Thai condiment burst through my heavenly exterior, my mind was transported to distant shores. I was dreaming of a trip I had taken in Tomoeda Middle School, a couple of years prior.

I was laying on the beach, enjoying the sound of the waves washing over the erotic sand. Although I had been mired in dismay due to my suggestion of a nudist colony being cruelly overlooked, I did not let this prevent my enjoyment of the day. I was spread like a starfish on my hand woven beach mat, sheltered by the flaps of my mammarian parasol. Swamp Tomoyo lay next to me, her chalky flesh covered by a swimsuit made of topsoil, her camera strapped to her thigh.

We had been laying there for what seemed like hours when we were approached by a young woman, lost in the throes of inappropriately requited love; it was Tikka, without the Masala. Turning to face her, we asked what she needed.

"Masala-san is preparing dinner for us all! I offered to assist him, and he told me to get everyone together". She said this last point with a hint of dismay, as if this wasn't what she wanted him to place into gaping responsibilities.

"Okay! We'll be right there!" I hadn't eaten anything all day, and my personal philosophy dictated that an empty space must promptly be filled. I shook the sand off my body, each individual grain reluctant to let go of it's luscious conquest, and got to my feet ready to head back over to where the rest of the class were.

"Are you hungry Tempura?" Swamp Tomoyo enquired. She had told me yesterday about a concept she had discovered where media icons (such as myself) eat loud food items whilst being filmed on the camera and she was gagging to thrust me directly into this new phenomenon.

"You bet!" I spluttered, as we trudged dexterously towards the group of charming, yet completely unacceptable cabins which were accommodating us. As we drew closer to the hubbub of peasantry that arrogantly labelled themselves my classmates, we heard familiar voices emitting from behind a group of trees.

"C'mon! What do you want to show me?" erupted an impatient trill which I knew to belong to Chiharu, a close and tender, yet irrelevant friend of mine. Swamp Tomoyo shared a knowing look before concealing our irresistible visages behind a humble patch of shrubbery to eavesdrop.

"You have to promise not to tell anyone! Especially not Tempura!" I heard the second voice quickly utter. Upon hearing my name whisper through the wind like a chorus of grunting angels I vomited sand into Swamp Tomoyo's lap. She bristled with pleasure.

"Did you hear bristling?" the second voice asked the first, audibly alarmed.

"No, I think we're fine. Quick! Masala-san will call us back for dinner soon, show me!"

"Okay…". Distinct rustling emanated from behind the trees. I lifted my eyes through a gap in the brackish greenery to see that the second voice belonged to Naoko, another classmate of ours. She had removed a flat, rectangular object from her pocket and was showing it to Chiharu, who looked intrigued.

"What is this?" Chiharu asked.

"I've been trying to create cards that come to life when you use them in a certain way. More specifically, I want to use them to gain domination over Tomoeda! I call these…" Naoko stopped for a dramatic pause; Chiharu did not breath, and Swamp Tomoyo made a sandcastle with the sediment resting in her lap. "...the Nao Cards!"

"Tempura…? Tempura…?" I could hear someone calling me. I whipped my head around, realising that the scene was dissolving before me. As clouds formed around me and disappeared again, I realised that I was in the gyNAOcologist's chair, with Sonomi staring at me with concern, gnawing on a corn cob (with a side of low-fat coleslaw).

"Tempura, are you okay? I think you fell asleep while I was carrying out the inspection!" she said to me.

"I think… I…" I struggled to get my usually razor-sharp thoughts together as reality hit me once more. "I think I've just realised something". Sonomi put down her corn. She then picked up her pot of coleslaw.

"What's that you say?"

"I think I've realised something that's been on my mind for a long time. Something which I've been wondering for a long time".

"Yes…?" Sonomi pressed, Tomoyonnaise smeared on her lips.

"I have realised…" I begun, building up the suspense pressurising the entire clinic. "... that pink really isn't my colour! You know, when you next see Swamp Tomoyo you should really tell her to get some more fabric samples".

"Oh! That's nice" she responded, looking bemused. "Anyway, you should receive the results in the post from your check-up in one to seven months! Make sure you keep your eyes on your fax machine!"

"Thank you so much Sonomi" I screamed with pleasant dignity as I exited the clinic, although the pleasure was truthfully all hers. As I sauntered out of the waiting room, past the unworthy gaggle of lepers I was forced to spend my morning among, my phone rang.

"Tempura speaking" I blurted, phone pressed against my suggestive ears.

"It's Keer-OH! How did it go?" I heard from the other end of the line.

"It was great! I needed a chance to kick back and relax; you know how busy I am!"

"Did you find out anything about the Nao Cards?"

"Oh darn it! I forgot to ask!"

"What?!" Keer-OH shouted into the phone. "Tempura, do you know how important this is?" Rage accumulated in my body like a magma chamber ready to eagerly spew it's contents into the world. Ejaculating my fury, I turned my oral cavity to face the receiver.

"YOU ACT AS IF EVERYTHING IS RIGHT UNDERNEATH MY NOSE BUT YOU DON'T APPRECIATE HOW DIFFICULT ALL OF THIS IS!" I screeched and hung up. Keer-OH had no right to lecture me about the Nao Cards, especially since there had been no trace of them since we had discovered one shamelessly littered alongside Swamp Tomoyo's hovel. I realised at this point that the waiting room had all turned to look at me. While this kind of attention was not out of the ordinary in my life of glamour and intrigue, I felt compelled to provide them with a sincere explanation.

"Oh…" I hesitated. "That was just my Grandma! She's learning how to use an iPad!" I glorped, before swiftly exiting the auspicious clinic. Although I was no closer to unlocking the mystery of the Nao Cards, at least I could put my gyNAOcological controversies aside for approximately one-to-seven-months.


	7. Cardchapter 7: Busy Lady

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tempura needs to get to Tomoeda University for Swamp Tomoyo's talent competition, but a mishap with a Clow Card forces her into the role of an office salary woman.

As I sauntered away from the gyNAOcologist's office towards Tomoeda University to attend Swamp Tomoyo's talent competition, I was struck by the thought that it was a whole ten minutes away from the clinic! Although my athletic flesh stilts were more than capable of completing the lengthy odyssey, I considered myself to be of too high a breed for such drudgery and flipped through the deck of Clow for assistance. I flicked, and I flicked, and I flicked, seemingly forever until I found a Card that could be used for quick transport; it looked like I was going to have to utilise my momentous skills of lateral thinking!

"POWER!" I squawked with husky sophistication. Before me, a petite yet imposing lady dressed in clownish garments materialised before me, receiving me with an expectant stare. As was the case for the rest of the international population, she was silently primed to receive my orders. I stepped forward to address her.

"I command you to lift me into your arms and throw me towards Tomoeda University!" I bellowed, readying myself for contact with this creature of strength. She inclined her head, and extended two arms, decorated with spiked bracelets. I didn't realise that they had Hot Topic stores in Clow Reed's time; I guess even all-knowing demigods such as myself have the capacity for further (and unspecified) learning. She scooped me into her outstretched hands like I was extremely valuable cargo on a luxurious forklift, and lifted me towards the celestial throne I was destined to loaf upon. Her arms then inclined backwards, before I was launched forwards in a sexy catapulting motion.

I flew through the air, a form of transportation not unknown to me. It was going well at first; I was moving, which was what I wanted. However, a flaw in my plan suddenly sprung from the ground as I realised that an office block was in the way of my chosen destination! I almost vomited in rage; I wouldn't be able to contact a demolition company in time before I was pancaked against its walls. I only wanted to be pancaked on my own terms, so I knew I had to think of a plan fast!

"THROUGH" I shrieked in a wild, yet placid manner. The molecules of my luscious body began to separate subtly from themselves, and I felt those of the wall move through me. As I pulsed myself through a window, I felt myself contract on an anatomical level and slammed sensuously against the opposite wall, before sliding down onto the floor. I quickly jumped to my feet and witnessed a bevy of downtrodden office workers gazing at my majestic visage. One particularly pitiable specimen of a woman rushed towards me.

"Are you hurt?" she asked in a concerned tone. I placed one of my paws on to her shoulder and heaved myself up onto my wide-ranging launch pads.

"Hurt? Do you think such a minor scrape could bring harm upon this infallible body? Why, I should smite you where you stand" I snarled at the snivelling wretch. Inconceivably, she took two steps back before addressing me further.

"Um… wait, are you the new girl?" she asked me with a puzzled look. I must admit, this threw my usual razor sharp wit and as I quested for a response to her ridiculous query, she took me by the wrist, ushered me over to her desk and plopped me steamily into an ergonomic office chair, before taking a seat next to me. Chattily, she continued; "usually we start at 8am, but we'll make an exception since you're new". I was ready to protest, but upon hearing their recognition of my exceptional nature, I softened and decided to open myself up to whatever they had in store for me. She began to rummage slovenly in her desk drawers.

"Aha, found it!" she squealed, handing me a name badge; it said "Chiharu" and I pinned it over my rubbery garments. "So, my name is Maki but my friends all call me Maki! I used to run a toy shop in Tomoeda; it was called Twin Bells but I had to shut it down after it became a hub for 9/11 conspiracy theorists. Lemme' tell ya, Chiharu, that George Bush fella'; what a crook!" She paused for breath and continued. "Oh look at me, running my mouth again! Just as well, I paid millions of Yen for these lips". I couldn't bear her pointless yammering for any longer and decided to intervene.

"So, tell me more about this job?" I purred. She was about to explain, before a formally dressed man approached the two of us, presumably in search of some kind of tryst.

"Maki, there is a young lady named Chiharu at reception waiting for you" he informed us. I quickly realised that I would have to use my superior cognitive capabilities to get myself out of this particular katzenjammer.

"But she is already here" Maki replied to him, waving a hand at my stunning form. I fired up my incredible capacity as an actress, ready to diffuse the situation.

"I am being stalked and impersonated by a pathetic woman who wishes to rob me of my identity. I am actually a very high profile celebrity who wishes to get in touch with her humble roots. That is why I am here in this peasant centre". Maki gasped dramatically, whereas the nameless man narrowed his eyes.

"It would explain why you're dressed so sumptuously, too" Maki said helpfully, referring to the friction-heavy outfit I had selected to wear to the gyNAOcologist.

"Exactly! Send her away immediately". The man nodded and returned to his humble station, and I turned back to Maki. "I think I need some air, I'm going to take a moment to powder my nip- um, my nose" I told her, hoping to get a moment to enact the final stage of my plan.

"Sure thing sugar cake! There's a balcony right on the other end of the office by the communal miso-soup dispenser". I turned away from her and sauntered off to the balcony. I was tempted to use the dash card for efficiency but decided that it might be less than expedient for this situation. Emerging onto the balcony, I saw on the ground below Chiharu walking away from the building. I needed to finish the job.

"ARROW" I wailed with a gentle grandeur. Beside me, an archer sprite materialised, and I commanded her to send a volley of arrows flying at Chiharu. As they pierced the ground beside her feet, she fled the scene, never to return and question the events of today. I took a moment to absorb my glorious victory into my flawless pores, before my basking was hideously punctuated by Maki.

"Chiharu hun, we're having a meeting! Come on, I'll introduce you to everyone" she squelched with what I interpreted as rabid admiration. I was conflicted; on one hand, I should have been keeping a low profile, but it would also be an astronomical tragedy to deny the underlings of this organisation the opportunity to suck up my unctuous, flowing beauty. I swanned back inside, while Maki showed me to the conference room where my yearning audience awaited me.

"Remember Chiharu, if you ever get thirsty don't hesitate to use the water cooler over here. You can make yourself some tea too if needed, the tea bags are just on the counter. They're next to the little tub of white powder. Now, this isn't sugar so please don't use it. It's, uh… diabetes medicine". I nodded at Maki's flim-flam as I strode into the conference room. A dozen unremarkable faces were staring back at me, silenced by my unbearable prestige.

"Sorry, I'm clearly too early; usually fanfare is arranged to announce my arrival" I told them matter-of-factly. They all burst into heaving, galumphing bouts of laughter as if I had said something remotely humourous.

"Why don't you give us a little introduction?", a balding man with a beige blazer and a name-tag marked Yamazaki proffered. Clearly they wanted to mine me for all of my luscious resources; well, I wouldn't let them.

"My name is Chiharu. I'm sorry. Girls who love to eat gum, their favorite drink, carbonated water, lose cold water from the gas and release soup. This sets the room temperature. My favorite foods are salads and lots of water. In her free time she read the slogan and saw beautiful flower patterns. I enjoy walking on a wooden bed. One day my wine will be my mother. I don't know why I don't use a DVD player. He began to steal office supplies'' I recited, channeling the rawest of poetry from my soul.

"Oh… Ok…" Yamazaki began, but I was compelled to continue.

"Plastic recycling is important, but my favorite color at funerals is the sun. I apologized when it rained because I had no idea what the clouds were. You can call by phone. But when you fax me, I have read other Bible guidelines and instructions. I don't make pasta every day. Whales in the dream pond are poisoned and want to fall asleep".

"Look, Chi-" Yamazaki interjected, but I wasn't finished.

"I did well, but your problem is not worth it and your family is ashamed. The printer is not installed in the ink tank anymore. The government has a microchip under your skin, sitting quietly in your tongue, listening to my voice" I concluded, rounding off my inspirational introduction to the labour pool languishing before me. Yamazaki stood up.

"Right, I think that's enough!" Yamazaki turned to Maki. "Will you be okay to show her the ropes?"

"Ropes?" Maki said, looking confused. "But I thought we sold insurance? Oh, I get it! We insure ropes". Yamazaki looked exasperated. I understood, it was exhausting to be around someone as intellectually stimulating as I, not to mention being pummelled by constant titillation. My manifesto must have bowled him over like a pneumatic drill used as a sensual lifestyle product.

"Just… tell her what to do" he breathed, before leaving the room and striding over to the miso-soup machine. Maki turned to me.

"Alright Chiharu, let's get down to business!" she leapt up from her seat and I followed her back to her desk, draping my lacy body over her ergonomic desk chair. "Are you ready for your tutorial?" she pushed. I was primed to annihilate her for presuming that I could be susceptible to unreadiness, but thought engaging in glorious destruction could blow my cover. I signalled with a slight incline of my head that I was prepared for everything she could throw at me.

She began telling me how to turn on the…

… "okay, I think that's about everything!" she honked. I lifted my head from the desk to discover that half of my face was coated in a rapidly congealing liquid; my salivary glands had always believed in the doctrine of hyper-productivity. Luckily, Maki was too oblivious to notice that I had passed out before she had a chance to finish. "Your computer is next to me and, oh my heavens, would you look at that, some kind soul has already pressed that dang-tricky on button for you. What a treat! Now, you seem like a pretty capable chick but I'll be right here if you need any help with the start button! It took me a few days to get the hang of it!"

I swivelled over to my desk and booted up the computer. I entered my username and it prompted me to choose a password. I thought for a while about cyber-security and about how Russia was gagging for the opportunity to hack me; I would need something indecipherable. I typed in my cryptic code (curlyfriez) and posted it as a status update to my Facebook page so I wouldn't somehow forget. Pleased with my work, I decided to take a break but I was ungraciously interrupted by the phone ringing. I picked it up with skill and presented myself.

"Yes, hello? What is it?" I barked softly. A soft, female voice answered me.

"Hey I'd like to order an insuranccccce" she told me with considerable vocal fry. I needed more details before I could understand what she was trying to tell me.

"Umm, for what?"

"For ropessss"

"Okay, you know what-" I began, but before I could continue to excoriate this worthless specimen on the virtues of self-sufficiency, I was hit in the head with a spherical, foil-wrapped object. I peeled back the foil, to see a supple oriental pear underneath. There was writing on the skin; it said "peel me". I knew that this must be of the utmost urgency, so I picked up the phone receiver and slammed it back down, then turning to face Maki.

"Maki, are there any fruit peelers in this office?" I asked.

"Why of course!" she eagerly proclaimed, plunging her mitts into her quag of a desk drawer. "I mostly use these as eyelash curlers ever since I was banned from the departNAO store for a simple misunderstanding with some toenail polish! I get mosta' my cosmetics in the produce section now". I decided to ignore her inane anecdotes and concentrate on the task at hand. Taking the peeler, I scraped it sensuously down the skin of the plump pear. In a lurid fashion, the damp skin divorced itself from the flesh, revealing a message beneath:

"Look to the west". I followed the instructions, only to an artificial banana leaf plant, and two fish-wives gossiping by the water cooler. All of a sudden, another oriental pear made contact with my head. I peeled it once more:

"I meant east". I turned my head the full 180 degrees the voluptuous fruit requested of me and my eyes saw, to my astonishment, Ms. Miso-Queen by the miso machine. She was crouched down and hidden from the view of the majority of the office. I decided to approach her.

"Ms. Miso-Queen, what are you doing here? I didn't know that you were also in the ropes insurance business! You better watch yourself, I'm at the top of my game" I pruned.

"Tempura, you're not supposed to be here! You're supposed to be at the talent competition at Tomoeda University! Swamp Tomoyo will be performing in 35 minutes! You don't have long!" she spluttered, informing me of the gravity of the situation. Indeed, how could the talent competition proceed without me as a succulent spectator?

"They think that my name's Chiharu and I work here? How are we going to get out before the shift is over? I hear that they want to go to a sake bar for after work drinks too!"

"I have an idea". Miss Miso-Queen gestured to a woman who had poured herself out some water for a green tea; I knew what had to be done.

"Oh my goodness, what beautiful hair…" I begun.

"Aw, thank you…" she started.

"... I have. Have you seen it? Do you want to touch it? I really think you should touch it. Do you have any haircare tips you want to ask me? I think you must have at least one". I regalled the woman (named Megumi-Jane) on the fascinations of my hairdo, while Ms. Miso-Queen covertly stirred Maki's diabetes medicine into her tea. As Megumi-Jane began to walk back to her desk, I quickly reminded her to take her cup of tea with her.

"Now, we wait" Ms. Miso-Queen turned to me and said. Indeed, we waited for a whole of three minutes before Megumi-Jane re-appeared bare chested atop her desk. She was gesticulating wildly in some kind of unrecognisable dance. I guess she just wasn't ready to be diabetes free.

"What now?" I asked.

"Now? Run" she replied, and we bolted our way down the staircase and into the inexplicable yet somehow serendipitous 11am sunset. We were on the path to making it back to Tomoeda University for the talent competition! We would get to see Swamp Tomoyo perform after all.


End file.
